No, this does not (at all) refer to the familiar “love triangle,” in which three people are intimately and sexually intertwined. Rather, Robert Sternberg calls his model the triangular theory of love because he conceptualizes the three fundamental components of love—intimacy, passion, and commitment—positioned at the three corners of a triangle, forming various combinations that define the qualities of a relationship (Sternberg, 1986, 1988, 1997, 1998, 2014). A relationship may consist of any one of these components, any combination of two, or all three, and relationships that manage to maintain all three usually are longest-lasting and happiest (Acevedo & Aron, 2009).

Sternberg’s intimacy component does not refer to sexual intimacy but rather to the emotional closeness two people feel. It includes such factors as wanting what is best for the partner, feeling the partner’s happiness, holding the partner in very high regard, feeling able to count on the partner in times of need, sharing a sense of mutual understanding, giving and receiving emotional support, and being able to share private and personal thoughts and feelings with the partner.

Passion, Sternberg explains, is the physical arousal side of relationships. Passion is manifested in the increased heart rate when you are with your partner; the desire to be near your partner as much as possible; the sexual and romantic attraction you feel for your partner; the frequency of thinking about your partner; and the need to express your desire for your partner through touching, kissing, and making love.

The commitment component of Sternberg’s model is a more rational aspect of a love relationship. It is determined by the strength of your decision to be with and stay with your partner. It is your chosen desire to be loyal and faithful and to commit to working on creating and maintaining a loving, mutually satisfying, and lasting relationship.

According to Sternberg, these three components may exist in any combination, from none of them, which is non-love, to all of them, which is consummate love. Overall, seven possible combinations can help couples see their relationship more clearly and explore what is working well or what might be causing the difficulties they have been experiencing. The combinations of the components of love are summarized in Figure 4.1 ; we will discuss each of these briefly. (Non-love, as noted, reflects a lack of all three components.)

Figure 4.1

The Triangular Theory of Love

• Intimacy Only = Liking If you imagine a relationship in which two people feel intimacy but do not experience passion or a strong sense of commitment, what sort of relationship do you see? Most people see two people who like each other quite a lot and are probably good friends. Sternberg agrees and characterizes a relationship containing intimacy only as liking.

• Passion Only = Infatuation Now think of two people who are just bursting with passion and sexual heat for each other but who do not feel particularly intimate and are not committed to any sort of short- or long-term relationship. What would you call this type of love? Spring break, right? In a way, yes. When you experience infatuation with someone, you are very attracted to and focused on that person, usually in a sexual way, and you may desire to spend all your time with him or her. But the relationship does not go much beyond that. It’s very sexually charged, but at the same time, it’s shallow. You may know (or care) little about the other person, so you don’t experience much intimacy and you aren’t even thinking in terms of a commitment. It’s simply a passionate connection that might be fun and sexy, but it exists only in the moment.

• Commitment Only = Empty Love This corner of the triangle is a little more difficult to imagine. Can you imagine being committed to someone without feeling any intimacy or passion? This may happen when attraction is not reciprocated. Imagine that you love someone with whom you have not established any intimacy and no real passion exists between you. How would that love feel to you? That’s right, it would feel empty. Such empty love relationships are unlikely to have much of a future, unless a person becomes too focused on the other and develops an unhealthy “fatal attraction” or “stalker” sort of obsession. However, not many would define that as love at all. Some couples with children who are experiencing empty love might stay together “for the sake of the kids,” but this is typically an unsatisfactory solution for everyone involved.

• Intimacy + Passion = Romantic Love This side of the triangle connects intimacy and passion. If you get to know someone well, establish a deep level of intimacy, and then add passion to that, the result is probably going to feel very romantic. And it will probably feel romantic regardless of whether or not you have established a commitment with that person. A good example of this is the so-called shipboard romance, that short-term, intensely romantic relationship that sometimes develops between two people who meet on a cruise or at a resort or have a brief affair outside their primary relationships. It is more than mere passion because they connect on an emotional and personal level in addition to the physical attraction. But due to the circumstances of the situation or other involvements in their lives, they do not choose to commit to one another. This is romantic love.

• Passion + Commitment = Fatuous Love Now imagine, if you can, two people who are very physically attracted to each other and share a strong sexual bond between them. In addition to having “the hots” for each other, they also feel a strong commitment to making the relationship last over the long term. However, they lack intimacy. That is, they don’t really like each other all that much; they don’t hold each other in especially high regard (except perhaps in terms of sexual skills); and they have never achieved close, private, intimate communication with each other. Sternberg labeled this side of the triangle fatuous love. Fatuous is a fairly uncommon word that means “absurd,” “foolish,” or “pointless.”

• Commitment + Intimacy = Companionate Love Companionate love is a relationship characterized by two people who are truly in love and are committed to each other and who enjoy all or most of the characteristics relating to intimate love or liking. What’s missing is the heat, the sexual arousal, the physical longing when apart; the passion. How might we describe such a couple? Without passion, it is difficult to see them as lovers, but rather they are companions, hence the term companionate love.

• Intimacy + Passion + Commitment = Consummate Love Finally, what if a couple is fortunate enough to possess all three of Sternberg’s basic components of love? They will have what he termed consummate love, meaning the most complete, most fulfilling, most ideally perfect love two people can achieve. Sternberg believes—and research has borne him out—that consummate love is not only rare but also difficult to attain, and perhaps even harder to maintain over time.